How can this sweet little, baby-faced boy turn into such a tyrannical, angry beast? We've turned a rather horrifying corner on our journey of parenthood this week. Apparently our roadmap was an older edition that didn't foresee the new construction which would be occurring at 3.75 years of age for Miles.
Bedtime turned into a war zone this past week. There were a couple of perfectly peaceable moments, then a few frightening engagements. I was close to waving the white flag... okay, I did... once. It was the first time I remember totally caving in and giving up with my kids. I literally told Miles he could have whatever he wanted if he just stayed in bed. Aaron was out of town, and I had come to the point of utter exasperation.
Me: Stay in bed.
Son (in sassy three year old cadence): I just don't want to.
Me: I know it's hard. Stay in bed.
Son: I hate that!
Me: Sorry. If you don't get to bed at night your immune system will be weakened and you'll get sick and die.
Son: I don't care. I'm just never going to sleep again. I love dying.
I'd already taken away everything. His precious blankies, his light saber he's accustomed to sleeping with, his drink of water, his pillow, his covers... I stopped short of stripping him naked. I had run out of any sort of valuable currency. I'd already spanked him as hard as I could, and was surprised to find that it wasn't that hard (at least in his opinion).
I literally told him I couldn't spank him anymore because I was too angry. And he kept screaming at me. I wanted to duct tape him into bed. I thought better.
My six year old daughter observed the entire encounter from the safety of her top bunk vista. It had been hours (okay, that's a lie, but it felt that way). I finally couldn't fight the tears building behind my lids. I pleaded with him. I begged. It was pathetic.
Then I saw it. A battery operated lantern within arm's reach. I grasped for it using the last stores of energy I had reserved for this final moment. I depressed the rubber button on the lantern, turning it on, and handed the peace offering to my son. His eyes moved sideways behind his slitted lids.
Finally, a truce. He calmed down, received a hug from me, and rolled over to sleep with the lantern. But what just happened? Did I win? Did I lose? Had I misinterpreted what he needed the entire time? Was he simply scared of the darkness in his room?
All I know is I cried at how hard I'd spanked him and came back in and gave him his pillow and cover after he was quiet for a few minutes. Does anyone else feel this badly after they'd done what they thought was best?
Your gentle offers of advise are appreciated.
5 comments:
Oh man... your post triggered memories. They were not so pleasant when they happened. I suppose we all have those memories. The night time struggles when kids are at the end of their day and are grumpy and us parents have run out of patience and all the other virtues that normally make us good parents. I remember nights where I just hung out in the garage alone while the husband tried to keep the kids in bed... (a struggle that only happened when he was home) or trying to safely lock the kids in their rooms so they would stay there. Hunting for ideas, just wanting the day to end.
My only advice is that you will all weather those days. There are no winners and losers in any struggle between parent and child. It is not bedtime that forms character but all the moments during the day that you interact with your kids. You are a wonderful parent. DKU
oooh that brought back some really meaningful memories for me too! You have my sympathies. I have had some of my worst parenting agony over how firm to be in what appears to be a battle of wills.
You need only remember that God gave you and Miles to each other. He made you specifically to be his mother and he your son. Your instincts are good and your judgement is sound. Trust yourself.
I very clearly remember those days when Josh was out of town. The days were so long but the evenings were almost unbearable. You are almost through the hardest part. Hang on. Please come over and hang out. Three adults to 4 children is so much easier. You are an awesome Mother and an amazing woman.
I think that parenting is an evolving beast. It is constantly changing and developing as you grow as a parent and as your child grows in their independence. It is not easy. And I think every mama has these moments. You are a good mama!
C - 3.5 to 4 was the hardest time for me with Braden and is proving difficult with Tristan too.
Reading your post brought back horrible memories of when Braden was little and T was brand new and Mason was gone FOREVER...
When you feel bad, and you feel like you went to far, it's okay - just tell them your sorry and explain that sometimes we (people/parents) get so angry that we (fill in the blank here) and that it wasn't okay and we hope they forgive us (which they do).
When I called my Aunt in tears and frustration (a few years back) she gave me the best piece of advice that I have ever received.
She said "pick ONE thing that you want/need him to do" my response was "I need to to listen to me and obey me and follow instructions" she laughed and said "no, pick one actual thing...." I settled on him getting into the car when I asked him to. So for the next month (it didn't take much longer than that) I didn't punish him or demand anything from him except that he get in the car when I asked. So when he fingerpainted with toothpaste on the bathroom mirror, or hit the dog, or (fill in the blank) I just said (very quietly) "we're all done with that" and I moved him on to a new task.
Pick something small but important (it may or may not be staying in bed) and let everything else go... litterally. Give yourself a month and you will be able to add in one more thing... and so on and so forth.
Hang in there kitty! I feel your pain! But it does get better!
Sounds like someone I used to know. She was about 3 when she refused to stay in bed too. You remember the story. I tried all the tricks too, all to no avail. But you survived -- and I assume forgave me.
There will be lots more battles of the wills and you will question your wisdom after each one. Don't. Just trust that you are doing the best you can in the present circumstances. Fortunately, children have short memories. So take lots of pictures of the good times as that is what will help them remember the good times and forget the bad. Check it out -- do you remember that time you refused to stay in bed and I tried everything including spanking? See, you don't remember it, only the story I've told you about it.
I love you and am so proud of you and the wife and parent you are. God bless.
Mom
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